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Diet of a Fat Cat

May 14, 2013 - Jennifer Brookens
Thursday: Have gone one whole week without dry food, and only two less-than-adequate servings of the canned food a day. That Woman leaves the cupboard door open, and the container that once held the dry food is left open on the floor, as if to taunt me. She and the Man of the house then get mad at me when I nip at their legs. And I'm really getting sick of getting the bully sweater put on just because I'm in a bad mood. You know what would cure this? Feeding Me!!

Friday: *rocks forward* lick, lick, lick, lick, *rocks backward* *rocks forwards again* LickLickLickLickLick! *rocks backward* Trying to repel myself forward again... OOOF! Great! I fell backwards like a turtle and now the whole family's laughing at me. You try washing yourself with just your tongue and see how well you fare! Oh, now the other two cats hike up their legs and start washing their nether-regions with no problem. Show offs! So I guess my girth is getting in the way of some things...

Saturday: FINALLY! A new bag of dry food! And a bunch of different types of cans! Hey, what's with the skimpy serving?! Oh, you're giving me more in the garage? Ok, now... HEY! Why'd you shut the door?! I can HEAR you opening more cans of food for the other cats! I expect to get my fair share once you realize you accidentally locked me out here!

Sunday: Oh gee, did I wake up those humans by rattling the door to the cupboard to the food too loudly? Since you're up, I could use some breakfast and by the way, those smaller portions you've been giving me aren't cutting it... Hey, why are you walking out of the kitchen and why'd you move that crate thing in front of the cupboard door? Um, you forgot to FEED ME!!

Monday: I found a mousy-toy that was missing! Oh, I haven't played with this in so long! Oh wow, I have energy to play again! What gives? Can't be that lame diet food they're feeding me, I mean there's nothing to get excited about there... But I better follow That Woman to the kitchen, just in case...

Tuesday: Too hot to play, too hot to bully (and definitely too hot to risk the bully sweater). It's one of those days when I wouldn't mind the Man's threat to shave me just to get rid of all my thick fur. But I can only imagine how much they'd make fun of me then! But then again, it might work to my advantage for the next weigh-in! Then I can finally get back to my normal portions and finishing off the other cats' leftovers...

 
 

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Author of "Diary/Diet of a Fat Cat"